Vacation..Had to get away.
I'm feeling refreshed after my week at the lake. I'm feeling a little more upbeat. I needed a break. A break from my life. Now that I'm tan and beautiful, I have a more positive outlook on life.
I think I'm ready to get back in the swing of things.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Thursday, July 17, 2008
The mystical powers of my engagement ring...??
About two and a half months ago, the diamond popped out of my engagement ring. I mailed it to the jeweler who had to ship it to be fixed. A week or two after that Mark decided he didn't want to be married. Today, the ring came back. As crazy as it sounds....as crazy as I am, I think that I have thought that maybe when I had that ring back, back in my possession, Mark might change his mind. Like the ring had some sort of magical power, and when it was 3,000 miles away those powers were weakened. Now that it is back, maybe those powers will start working again.
This is what I was thinking this afternoon right before I pulled my head out of the clouds. The problem is I like it in those clouds. I hate it down here. I am still in complete denial 85% of the time. Today, Mark said that he couldn't afford to file the divorce papers right now so this goes on. Is that the only reason he hasn't filed them? Probably, but I can still come up with a thousand other reasons why he's stalling, none of which are true.
This is what I was thinking this afternoon right before I pulled my head out of the clouds. The problem is I like it in those clouds. I hate it down here. I am still in complete denial 85% of the time. Today, Mark said that he couldn't afford to file the divorce papers right now so this goes on. Is that the only reason he hasn't filed them? Probably, but I can still come up with a thousand other reasons why he's stalling, none of which are true.
Monday, July 14, 2008
My Tangerine Wall
So the color is technically "Mango Madness", but I'm still calling it tangerine. I just really think I need a tangerine wall so I'm painting one. It hasn't happened yet. I just bought the paint today. I don't want to get overwhelmed so I'm taking this one step at a time. Today I buy the paint (this is by far the most fun step) maybe tomorrow I'll tape off the trim, and if we're lucky by the end of the week I'll have a tangerine wall. Maybe I'll post a picture. I know you're dying to see it. I need something bright and cheery and I don't think it gets cheerier than tangerine. I'm excited.
So I just thought I needed to materialize some of my thoughts so I could get a handle on what exactly I'm feeling. I have been pretty sad about the disillusionment of my marriage. I really don't know that dissillusionment is a word, but spell check said it was so I'm going with it. If, in fact, it is a word, it's completely worthless. It has to mean the same thing as disillusion, it just sounds fancier. Whatev. Moving on. So I'm sad, really sad, not seeing light at the end of the tunnel sad. I know the light is there, I just feel like the tunnel is so long that I can't see the end. I am dreading all the time I have to spend in this tunnel before I get to the end, which is maybe why I'm trying to turn around and get out the way I came in. Unfortunately, I don't think that is a possibility. I don't want a divorce...still don't want a divorce...but I also don't want to be married to someone who doesn't love me the way I deserve to be loved. That's where I'm still stuck. I just don't see what my life is going to be like as a single person right now. During my first couple weeks as a potentially single person, I had a lot of friends rushing to my aid. I suspected that would fizzle, and I was right. I am so fortunate to have my family, my sister specifically, but I still don't see what kind of a social life I am going to have. All of my friends are married or in relationships. Pretty much at least, and I have been pretty much over the bar scene since I turned 22. I know I'm lame. So I just don't know. This hasn't really helped me clarify anything. Maybe it will come to me...in a dream maybe. I'm hopeful. I'm ready to get out of this tunnel.
So I just thought I needed to materialize some of my thoughts so I could get a handle on what exactly I'm feeling. I have been pretty sad about the disillusionment of my marriage. I really don't know that dissillusionment is a word, but spell check said it was so I'm going with it. If, in fact, it is a word, it's completely worthless. It has to mean the same thing as disillusion, it just sounds fancier. Whatev. Moving on. So I'm sad, really sad, not seeing light at the end of the tunnel sad. I know the light is there, I just feel like the tunnel is so long that I can't see the end. I am dreading all the time I have to spend in this tunnel before I get to the end, which is maybe why I'm trying to turn around and get out the way I came in. Unfortunately, I don't think that is a possibility. I don't want a divorce...still don't want a divorce...but I also don't want to be married to someone who doesn't love me the way I deserve to be loved. That's where I'm still stuck. I just don't see what my life is going to be like as a single person right now. During my first couple weeks as a potentially single person, I had a lot of friends rushing to my aid. I suspected that would fizzle, and I was right. I am so fortunate to have my family, my sister specifically, but I still don't see what kind of a social life I am going to have. All of my friends are married or in relationships. Pretty much at least, and I have been pretty much over the bar scene since I turned 22. I know I'm lame. So I just don't know. This hasn't really helped me clarify anything. Maybe it will come to me...in a dream maybe. I'm hopeful. I'm ready to get out of this tunnel.
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