Optimism killed the Karli

The cat's nemisis was curiosity. Mine is optimism. At least it's caused me a lot of pain recently. I have always been a very optimistic person. This is something I have usually considered a good thing. Duh, I'm an optimist. Well, when it comes to my marriage right now, my optimism has been causing me nothing but heartache.

So a week and a half ago I was OK. I had come to terms with us being over and I just wanted to get on with it. So Mark came over so we could finalize things - make sure we were on the same page, and move on. Well, that went as well as it could have. There was no yelling, no arguing, no fighting. It was just really sad, but I figure it's going to be sad even if it's the right thing. We've been together forever. That conversation ended with us both agreeing that Mark was going to look into filing for divorce and that was our next step.

So fast forward to the next day and I was having some second thoughts and feeling like I was holding too strong and didn't give us a chance to change our minds. So I sent out a last ditch e-mail just to see if Mark was having any of those same feelings. So from that point on, my mind started racing...what if. What if we could work it out? What if we could go to counseling and get to the root of our issues? What if we could be better than ever?

A few days later when I finally got a response to my e-mail, Mark said he was having a few doubts which, of course, only fueled my optimism. So for the rest of the week, until yesterday, I had been going over all the possibilities in my head of how things might turn out and be just fine. And as the days passed, my optimism only grew. It grew so big that all I could think about was white picket fences and happily ever afters. That is until yesterday when it all came crashing down.

I had imagined a seamless reconciliation, and what I got was nothing. I got nothing. He ignores my phone calls and doesn't respond to my texts. When he finally did respond to my text message, he said he didn't want to talk and he wouldn't be coming over. So I went spinning into a depression at the loss of my fantasy and my jolt back to reality. When I couldn't shake that, I drove to my parents' house and I'm now a little more stable, but still sad.

I'm hoping I can use my optimism for good in the future. To help me get on with my life. Unfortunately I'm becoming something of a cynic, and I've found that sooner or later it all comes crashing down.

Divorce: FAQs

I'd like to start by saying that overall, I am feeling more upbeat this week than I did last week. I hope it lasts. Mark and I are meeting tonight to discuss things. I'm so not excited about it. Maybe he'll bring the Wii with him. There's always a silver lining. At least I'm holding on to my optimism. I don't know what the next step is for us. We are in uncharted waters here. I've never navigated a divorce before. At least not my own. I have a few questions.

1) How long does it take to get a divorce?
I'm in kind of a hurry, and would hate to drag this thing out more than I have to.

2) How much does it cost?
Not only am I in a hurry, but I don't want to spend any money. With so many people getting divorces these days, you would think it would drive the cost down. That's just simple economics.

3) Does it hurt?
I know this one is kind of a no brainer, but I just don't know how much more hurt I can take.

4) What's next?
What does a person do after they are divorced? Of all the scenarios I've thought uot for my life, I am feeling very unprepared for this one. Is there anybody out there who doesn't check 'Never been married' under preferences on their match.com profile?

Why is my life so depressing?

So let's talk about how much I hate how much my life sucks right now. I'm ready to skip to the part when my life rocks. I'm not really in the mood to be funny right now. I'm ready to be funny, though... I think it's funny, dorky funny, that Ashlee loves when anyone plays volleyball on TV because it's always so bad. I think it's sweet funny that my dad wants to make sure I change my name back as soon as I can. And, I think it's sucky funny that I can't think of anything else that's funny.

I don't know how to do this. I don't feel like myself. I am way more fun than this. Thank goodness nobody reads this yet. When you all do start reading this, fortunately it'll be short enough you can skim right over it. So while it seems boring and depressing now, in the future it we'll be able to see it as a small piece of a larger puzzle that is my road to happiness. Without the valleys we wouldn't be able to appreciate the peaks... I'll try to be funnier next time.

The hardest part...

The hardest part is that for the longest time I knew there was somebody who loved me. Who loved me the most of all people. I knew that no matter what was going on in my life, even between Mark and I, I knew he would always love me. I knew that. I took that for granted.

The hardest part is that he didn't, he wouldn't and he won't. So all of that...the security, the comfort in knowing that no matter what else was happening in the world, someone loved me more than anyone else. I don't feel that way anymore. I know there are a lot of people who love me, but nobody loves me the most. That's the hardest part.

Did he really have to take the Wii?

Two hours after returning home (and I am using the word home kind of loosely here) and realizing that Mark took the Wii, I am reflecting on how big of a deal this actually was. I think I may have overreacted. I reacted, and for me that usually can be classified as an overreaction. But I just didn't expect him to take the Wii. I didn't expect him to come today, and maybe I didn't expect him to come ever. I don't know. He's been gone now for almost two weeks. That doesn't really sound like a long time, and in some ways it hasn't seemed long, but in others its seemed like much longer. You know the whole thing has come as a bit of a shock. Some days it's still shocking....some days it's not. I think I'm still mostly in denial though. This is not something you plan, and I was always a planner. A planner in a broad, this is how my life will go kind of way as opposed to a day planner kind of way. I've never been big on day planners, although I enjoy picking them out at Borders, I'm not so good at using them. Anyway, I thought I'd go to college, fall in love, get married, buy a house, settle down and have babies. I thought that all of this would happen by the time I was 26. Take a stab at how old I am now?? That's right, 26. So, obviously not the way I thought I'd be spending my 26th year. No babies, no house, no husband, and no Wii.

Yeah, let's get back to the Wii. I just really wanted the Wii. I assume that eventually Mark will take the TV, both Xboxes, the surround sound, the PS2, and every other electronic we own. I just wanted the Wii. The Wii is so me. I am so Wii. I guess I can buy my own Wii, but I want that one! It's a matter of principle, really. We all knew he would take his XBox. Nobody can stand between that boy and his 360, but the Wii? Seriously? He knew I would want the Wii. He came when I wasn't here and he kidnapped the Wii. I'm surprised there's not a ransom note somewhere. A line was crossed tonight. A line I was hoping we wouldn't have to cross.

So yeah, I'm a little sad tonight. I think the custody of the Wii makes the whole separation real. I have good days and bad days. Today would probably be a bad day. Well, it's probably not a pass/fail system. Today's probably a C-. And, I think it was a solid C before the Wii incident. I'm fighting for that Wii. Stay tuned...