Optimism killed the Karli

The cat's nemisis was curiosity. Mine is optimism. At least it's caused me a lot of pain recently. I have always been a very optimistic person. This is something I have usually considered a good thing. Duh, I'm an optimist. Well, when it comes to my marriage right now, my optimism has been causing me nothing but heartache.

So a week and a half ago I was OK. I had come to terms with us being over and I just wanted to get on with it. So Mark came over so we could finalize things - make sure we were on the same page, and move on. Well, that went as well as it could have. There was no yelling, no arguing, no fighting. It was just really sad, but I figure it's going to be sad even if it's the right thing. We've been together forever. That conversation ended with us both agreeing that Mark was going to look into filing for divorce and that was our next step.

So fast forward to the next day and I was having some second thoughts and feeling like I was holding too strong and didn't give us a chance to change our minds. So I sent out a last ditch e-mail just to see if Mark was having any of those same feelings. So from that point on, my mind started racing...what if. What if we could work it out? What if we could go to counseling and get to the root of our issues? What if we could be better than ever?

A few days later when I finally got a response to my e-mail, Mark said he was having a few doubts which, of course, only fueled my optimism. So for the rest of the week, until yesterday, I had been going over all the possibilities in my head of how things might turn out and be just fine. And as the days passed, my optimism only grew. It grew so big that all I could think about was white picket fences and happily ever afters. That is until yesterday when it all came crashing down.

I had imagined a seamless reconciliation, and what I got was nothing. I got nothing. He ignores my phone calls and doesn't respond to my texts. When he finally did respond to my text message, he said he didn't want to talk and he wouldn't be coming over. So I went spinning into a depression at the loss of my fantasy and my jolt back to reality. When I couldn't shake that, I drove to my parents' house and I'm now a little more stable, but still sad.

I'm hoping I can use my optimism for good in the future. To help me get on with my life. Unfortunately I'm becoming something of a cynic, and I've found that sooner or later it all comes crashing down.