Unfaithful

Have you seen Unfaithful? The movie with Diane Lane, Richard Gere, and that hot European guy. You know it? Well, It's a pretty hot movie about a woman who cheats on her husband. Then her husband gets mad and kills the hot European guy. Sorry if you haven't seen it. It came out like six years ago. Maybe I should have thrown a spoiler alert in here. Anyway, I loved that movie. It was entertaining, sexy, I liked it. OK? I don't think I need to defend myself to you people. So when I started buying DVDs that was one of the first ones I bought. I think it was one of my "six DVDs for 1 penny" that I got when I joined Columbia House. (Of course, I didn't live up to my commitment, but who did?)

So before Mark and I combined our DVD collections, this was one of the 30 DVDs that I owned. By the time we got around to dividing our DVDs, we had upwards of 250. Mark is the one who actually went through and divided up the DVDs. I didn't scrutinize the division too much because I was all distraught about the whole thing, and overall I thought he was pretty generous.

I just realized that he took "Unfaithful". I mean, that is just too ironic. I don't think there is anything I can say that can make this more entertaining. I am angry. I only owned a couple of things BM (Before Mark) haha, BM, that's funny. So I'm mad that he thought he could take my movie. Seriously, I'm pissed. I'm on Amazon right now ordering the thing. Just so I have a copy. Nice try, Brown! Seriously, the nerve of that guy.

Stay Gone

I've found peace of mind, I'm feeling good again. I'm on the other side, back among the living. Ain't a cloud in the sky. All my tears have been cried and I can finally say, 'baby baby stay, stay right where you are. I like it this way. It's good for my heart. I haven't felt like this in God knows how long. I know everything's gonna be okay, if you just stay gone'.


Warning: This one might be a little bit sad. So my mom probably shouldn't read it. She can't handle the sad ones. She probably shouldn't read any of them because I think she thinks I sound too self-involved. She clearly doesn't spend enough time with me because that shouldn't be surprising.

I still feel like I'm over the hump. The worst is over and it will, hopefully, only get better from here. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean that it isn't still hard because it is. I still miss Mark. I still love Mark. I know that we can never be together, nor should we be. And I know that I will be better off for it, but it's still hard. It's even harder when he tries to stay in touch. I'm sorry, but that ain't gonna happen. He thinks he can have his cake and eat it to...well he's wrong. Sorry, buddy, but you aren't my buddy.

I just want to get to a point where I am OK alone. You know I'm not used to so much time entertaining myself and comforting myself. I know I need to figure out how to do that again. It just sucks being sad all the time. It actually sucks being sad even some of the time. I appreciate the people that have come to my aid so much. I really do, and I don't know where I would be without you. It just isn't the same as being someone's number one priority. Not that I ever was, but I thought I was, and that's what I want. I know I just have to be patient, but I've never been patient. How annoying am I? I just keep saying the same thing over and over. It's like OK, get over it already, lady. No wonder my mom can't stand to read this. Anyway, I'm tired of being jerked around. It's too hard. Just stay gone.


I still love you and I will forever. We can't hide the truth. We know each other better. When we try to make it work, we both end up hurt. It ain't supposed to be that way.

60 Days

In 60 days, I will be divorced. Finally, officially, legally and forever. Of course I do have some mixed emotions about this, but I am mostly relieved and ready to move on. What I am struggling with is what to do next. I think I am going to use these 60 days to focus on me, and only me. I know that sounds super cliche, but I think it's a nice finite guideline that will be good for me.

Here's the problem, I don't know what I am going to do for 60 days. Now I came to this 60 days thing for a couple different reasons. One of them is that all I really want to do is make out with boys, but this, too, comes with its own set of complications. First of all, shockingly, there are no available boys out there wanting to make out with me. Secondly, I don't want to jump into some new "relationship" just because I'm sad and lonely. This is how I came up with the 60 days. Now back to the problem....what am I going to do? I am lonely and in need of male companionship. I have not been alone like this in forever. I have impressed myself (and I'm sure everyone else) by how well I am doing so far, but I am getting impatient. Seriously.

There doesn't seem to be anyone within reach right now that I can latch onto (which could, theoretically, be a good thing, although I am not agreeing with that) and I don't know how to find somebody. I sit around and listen to country music and think about this perfect cowboy who's going to come sweep me off my feet, but since I'm not 6 I know that's not going to happen. I just want someone to want me. Come find me. I don't want to do the work. Plus no way could it work with anyone right now, it would be doomed to fail and I think everyone would judge me for dating or not dating or who I'm dating, etc. So that's why it's easier to wait. Easier in a really hard, sucky way.

I know that I should wait. In my head, I definitely know that. The last 60 days, I have been involved in a constant battle between my head and my heart. In my head, I know what I should do, I know that I'm going to be OK, and I know I should wait until I'm ready, but the illogical part of me just wants live in the moment and make myself happy right now. I don't want to wait, but I know that I need to. So I'm stuck somewhere in the middle. For 60 days.

Opinions are welcome.

Hearts

So earlier I was thinking that I should write something because I am feeling a little bit more chipper than I have been so I don't want people to think that I'm still super depressed. I can't say that I'm in great shape all the time, but overall I am doing much better. I signed my divorce papers the other day. Mark is supposed to file tomorrow. He better. Enough of that.

Moving on....That's what I'm trying to do. With this blog and life in general. I've been playing a lot of Hearts on the computer. That's where the title came from...sorta. Which then led me to Bon Jovi. Wait for it... Apparently, according to some article Mark read a long time ago, Bon Jovi's song writing process began with the song title. Then I guess they would come up with the song from there. Mark always thought that was so stupid and ruined the awesomeness that was and still is Bon Jovi. Told you. So Hearts has multiple connotations in my life because I have been playing the game on the computer A LOT, and I've never done that. I haven't even ever really played Hearts before. I just learned to play, and now I am pretty awesome. Which is kind of like my life right now. I am having to relearn how to live it a little bit because I've been so used to living with Mark. I'm feeling really good though. I think I am going to be even awesomer at life than I am at Hearts. Give me some time and I'll prove it.

I was also thinking of hearts like my heart breaking and maybe, hopefully starting to come back together. I feel like it totally is. I am for the first time in a long time, starting to feel like me again. **So I started writing this blog and then was rudely interrupted by this guy that we evicted (evicted for playing dice in the common hallways) who was getting the last of his belongings out of his apartment. I had to go let him in. This is where I left my blog. I came back and wrote some good material. I hit publish post and guess what, it said that Blogger was temporarily unavailable. That's just fantastic.** So basically, in a nutshell - now let's be honest, we all know I don't fully understand the meaning of that expression - I am starting to do better now than I have in a long time. I am starting to look forward to things. I am starting to feel happy, and feel like things are going to be OK. Last week, someone told me that the day would come when each day was better than the last. I think I may have reached that point, as opposed to the sporadic ups and downs that I've been going through over the last couple of months. Unless of course, I just happen to be having one of those good days and I just don't know it and it's all going to come crashing down tomorrow. Let's hope not! I've been waiting for this. I feel like I have good friends who love me for me, and not because they like Mark and have to pretend to be my friend. Those people were lame anyway because anyone who's anyone knows that I am way cooler than Mark. Duh! I am looking forward to the future, and for the first time in a while, Mark is definitely not in it, and I am glad. I think I have an opportunity to be happier than I thought I would be. I'm pretty psyched about it. I can't wait to get out there and have fun, kiss boys and live life. It's like a rebirth, or staying with the theme, a heart transplant. :-) I know...I took it too far. Bottom line is that I'm doing better.

I should mention that Ashlee thought the title of this post was ironic because I hate hearts. The shape mostly, not the organ so much. I hate hearts on jewelry, heart shaped boxes, decorations, clothing, etc. I just really don't like anything shaped like a heart. Except...I just thought of an exception, I like heart shaped boxes of chocolate.

So I know that this post was pretty random and a little silly, and it may have been stupid, but at least it wasn't depressing. I don't think it was at least. Let's look at the bright side!