2008: A Look Back

It has been an interesting year. And while it's been tough at times, interesting is better than mundane. I am attempting to get it all out here, really wrap up 2008 so I'm not dwelling in 2009 because 2009 is so going to be my year. I think I'm going to break the year up into thirds. I can see clear definition between the three parts of the year, and I think it's important that I can reflect on the good, the bad and the ugly.

January - April: Married

I know this seems almost morbid, and I'll make it brief, but at least the first couple months of 2008 were pretty good. We had good times. (This is why the whole divorce thing came as kind of a shock to many, including myself, but I'm not dwelling.) There was a lot of Rock Band, which I genuinely miss. I was starting to get really good, and now the world will never know. New Year's weekend last year was a lot of fun, as I recall. A lot of old friends were in town and we got to see Records Record Records for what I believe was the first time - for us at least - at which time we came up with a slew of band names that were better than 'Records Record Records', including our favorite 'The Carnivorous Wingtips', which will really take off one of these days. These first couple months of the year also included a lot of Rock Bottom, a little high school basketball, Robby's Lost party (See here), more Rock Band, and the Reds game with the best 7th inning stretch ever.

May - August: Separated

Summertime! This season brought my lowest lows and my highest highs. It's odd how I was able to have some of my best times while almost simultaneously experiencing my worst times ever (Sorry I don't have pictures of that, but I'm sure you can imagine - some of you got to live it with me - my appreciation and apologies) I'll start with a brief timeline: The first weekend of May, like the day before Mark's birthday, he told me he didn't want to be married anymore. Throughout most of May, I fought it, we fought, I cried, we didn't talk, etc. He moved out on my birthday, May 26. I don't think he chose my birthday to try and twist the dagger or anything because it happened to be Memorial Day which made it convenient, but it does make my story a little better. So after my husband left me - on my birthday, no less - I continued to live in denial for a little while longer and eventually accepted that Mark wasn't coming back. Ashlee was living with me, which was a godsend. We moved out of mine and Mark's apartment into "the cottage" on the west side. Mark finally filed for divorce in August. I don't really feel the need to reflect on the low points. I think you can figure that part out.

There were some highlights. It actually turned out to be the best summer I've had in a long time. The country radio station, WFMS, sells this country mega-ticket in February for all of the country concerts in the summer. Well, I had bought this because it is a really good deal, and I was thinking I could take Ashlee to a couple as her birthday present and I could probably find somebody to go to the rest with me. So Ashlee and I ended up going to all five shows, and had an awesome time. It ended up raining at some point during at least three of the shows, but we endured. In addition to those shows at Deer Creek (suck it, Verizon) we saw Chuck Wicks at the State Fair, and thanks to Ward (many thanks!) got to see Buffett as well. Now, I wasn't always in the mood to go out, but looking back I have some of the best memories ever from our summer concert tour. Ashlee probably deserves some credit for that so while I have already thanked her with free concert tickets and three months free room and board, I will give her a public shout out as well. Thanks Ash! :-) In addition to the concerts, other highlights included decorating the cottage, How I Met Your Mother marathons (Ashlee and I are good at watching TV) a few parties (I am using this term very loosely for lack of a better term because these 'parties' usually consisted of the same 6 or 7 people, but were always awesome!), some good movies (Sex and the City, Mama Mia, etc) and a week long vacation with the 'rents at the lake. I was surrounded by friends and family (I think that is normal after a traumatic event) and while I didn't avoid what I was going through, I didn't have too much time to dwell on it. I am so grateful to all of you who were there for me, supported me, and made me laugh. I'll add and acknowledgments section at the end (remind me if I forget). This summer I had a lot to deal with, but I was able to grow closer to a lot of important people and learn a little bit about myself. Turns out I'm a tough cookie. :-)

September - December: Divorced

So the warm summer nights faded into fall, and I learned it's easier to be single when it's nice outside. Things got a little tougher in the fall. Ashlee moved out, which left me all alone, all the time. The divorce was final in October, and I changed my name back. I think being alone all the time was an adjustment. I've never lived all alone before. It is something I have gotten used to...maybe too used to it, as I have become something of a recluse. Well, not really, but this cold part of the year hasn't been quite as fun as the warm parts. I have been learning to be single again. The rules are different, and when Ash was with me she kind of took the place of my plus 1 so it wasn't until she left that I really had to face life alone. I have been trying to figure out what's appropriate when dating. I've been used to not having to try so hard, and I tend to come off a little crazy. But I'm working on that.

The fall consisted of Purdue Volleyball, Kenny and Keith at Lucas Oil, Lindsay's return to Indiana, our awesome pumpkins, an amazing night filled with Cranium where we (me, Ashlee, Robby, Sara, and Cic) discovered that we are hilarious, another move (I now live in Castleton), my discovery of the Twilight Series, a trip to Colorado for the Sweet 16 (Thanks NCAA), and of course the holidays.

I feel good 85% of the time, and while I am not completely healed, I am definitely getting there. All and all, there has been more good than bad this year, and I am grateful to be blessed with so many people who care about me and a good attitude. This recap could have definitely been a lot more depressing than it was. 2008 has brought me joy and pain and taught me a few things about life as well as myself, but I am happy to see it go. I am looking forward to the future, fresh starts and 2009. It's a new year and anything can happen!

Acknowledgements

I would like to take a moment to thank everyone who made this year possible. First of all, my family. My parents who have supported me and will always be there for me no matter what. My siblings: Lindsay for being her and helping me to see things in a different perspective, Ashlee for just being there and for knowing me well enough to know what I needed when I needed it and giving me that, and Kyle for being such an amazingly awesome person and for having basically the same brain as me so you totally get me and make me laugh. My friends, which sounds so cliche, but I was worried I would lose all my friends in the divorce, but I have had a lot of people who didn't leave even though that might have been easier. Soups, Clint, Fish and Joe while you are Mark's friends, and technically only friends with me because of him, you all in your own way let me know that you still cared about me and were my friend. Some of you took longer to get around to it, but I understand and am glad you made it. Soups, I have to give you special props because you didn't skip a beat. You didn't hesitate. You were just there, and I would have completely understood if you had needed time, but you knew that I needed you more so thank you! Ami and Amanda both only knew me as part of Mark and Karli, and it's not easy to transition that kind of relationship and I appreciate the effort you have made. Robby and Sara, you two have been there for me since day one as well, and you weren't afraid to let anyone know who's side you were on, which meant a lot. Cic, you also were never on the fence with your allegiance, but it would have been weird if you were. You were always there when no one else was. I feel the need to throw Ward in here as well. I am glad to have you as a friend. Leslie, I appreciate your experience and sympathy, and Becky I appreciate what a good friend you have been by just being there for whatever I needed, whether it was to go out and do something or just to watch TV and understanding when I didn't want to do anything. Then, I think last but not least would be Scott and Aaron, who were also on Team Karli from day one...before that really. You guys both together and individually have looked out for me and taken care of me. I don't think a day has gone by that I haven't talked to one or both of you. You are the people that I know would report me missing if something happened because you would know. Thank you for worrying about me.

It's been a long December...

and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last.

So I have just about survived the holidays, and I am trying to stay optimistic about 2009. I have had a little bit of a regression in my healing process. I'll go a long time and think I'm completely fine and healed and then it's Thanksgiving and I'm driving home alone and there's something about it that's so different and hard to deal with. I just have to get through New Year's, which we are referring to as "Ashlee's Birthday", well she is. Whatever we call it, I feel like I'm on the home stretch.

I'm ready for 2009. I'm ready for new episodes of my shows. Some people think I watch too much TV. I don't care what they think because I love my TV shows. I miss Gossip Girl (You know you love me) and How I met your mother (Haave you met Ted?), The Office (That's what she said) and Grey's Anatomy (Seriously)....Not to mention the shows that haven't been on for a year (or more) like Lost(bom - that's supposed to be that sound you hear when LOST swings across the screen) and 24 which hasn't been on for two years thanks to last year's writer's strike. It's amazing terrorists haven't taken over the country with Jack Bauer on hiatus. And Scrubs is moving to ABC so I'm excited to see what Turk and JD are getting into.

I need to get a life, I know.

Cooperation turns me on

Just a couple brief things tonight... First of all, I am enjoying The City. It is a welcome change from The Hills, which is getting a little played out, in my opinion. I even found myself watching Bromance tonight to get my Brody Jenner fix.



Secondly, I'm obsessed with Mahjong Tiles or Titans or whatever the game on my computer is called. I just sit here and stare at it for hours on end. OK, that is an exaggeration, but too much time for sure.

I'm thinking of moving to Lafayette...How big of a mistake would that be? My life here is complicated and unstable. I need a change of pace. Opinions are welcome.

And it was all yellow

My Dellow came today!!

I've had the same computer since 2001. July of 2001 to be exact. That's seven and a half years, which is like 110 years old in computer years. It's been a good computer, and it is still kicking which is very impressive for a 110 year old desk top computer, but it's time to send it to the retirement home so I'm going to leave it plugged in upstairs, but I don't want to overuse it. It requires a lot of rest. So that brings me to my new computer, my Dellow. I don't really know if this Dellow thing is going to stick. It was funny the first time I thought of it...well actually I think Lindsay thought of it. (The computer is a Dell and it is yellow, hence Dellow) It isn't rolling off the tongue like I'd like it too so I'm going to retire the use of the term Dellow. For now, at least. I love it though, whatever I'm calling it. I haven't had a new computer for so long, and I haven't had a laptop ever. It makes me happy. Plus, it has a built in webcam so I am considering adding a video element to this blog... Just something to think about.

I don't have any other funny stories, but I plan to write more regularly now that I have my new dellow (I pulled it out of retirement...I'm crazy like that, apparently).

The title of this blog, combined with it's inspiration is making me want to listen to that Coldplay album. I'm going to go see if I can find it. Some things I would like to write about in the near future since I haven't written forever would be: The Twilight Saga, my job, Vampires....OK that's all I've got.

My last day...

There is no reason that I should still have my job after the amount of work that I have not done today. I am going to have to come in tomorrow just to do the three things that I needed to get done today. That's ridiculous! It's 4:35 and I am here until 5:00. I just cracked open my second Monster of the day in the hopes that it somehow magically transformed into speed or crack or crystal meth or Comcast PowerBoost® so I can get all of my work done at super human speed and be able to go home knowing I am not a failure. I'm still waiting for it to kick in. I have spent a good majority of the day reading other people's blogs. And not just recent ones but archives. Am I really so bored that I need to know what Bri and Jake were getting into in July, 2005?? Apparently. I don't know what it is with me today. I have some sort of a mental illness or something where I physically can't do any work. It's like I am literally glued to my chair and my mouse is incapable of clicking on anything, but websites that would be considered off limits if I worked at National City. I'll still probably clear my history, but it's not like anybody is going to check it. That is unless they realize that I've been sitting here for 8 hours doing NOTHING! OK, who am I kidding? I didn't get here until 9:30 so I've only been sitting here for 7 hours and 20 minutes, but who's counting? Obviously nobody. That's why I love my job. OK, now it's 4:54 and all the crack has helped me do is write this blog. Which in the grander scheme of things might end up being more important to society than daily balancing sheets and expense reports. But I'm still going to have to come in tomorrow to do those things since my blog has not yet gained the kind of recognition it needs to garner the significance I'm talking about. OK, I'm going downstairs to turn off the lights and hopefully when I come back up nobody will be at the door and I will lock it and go home. Last night 15 people showed up at 6:05 and wanted to move in right away so I was here for an hour and a half and guess what? They didn't move in! Bitches! So I'll let you know how it goes tonight...OK, door's locked, blinds are closed and I'm getting out of here. Yay! OK, I have to post two credit card payments then I really am leaving. I'm heading down to Bloomington to watch the Boilermakers take on the Hoosiers in an exciting match up. I'm talking about volleyball, if you don't know me. Boiler up!

Falling Down

Is it weird that the summer my husband left me ended up being the best summer I've had in a really long time?? I'm trying to figure out why exactly, but I can't put my finger on it. I'm missing the summer and trying to figure out why so I can bottle the magic. Was it the new freedom? the new apartment? new roommate? the happy pills? the concerts? country music? work? home? family? friends? lovers? secret lovers? [OK, I'm just trying to ruffle feathers with a couple of those :)] I don't know...and I need to find out because I'm starting to lose it. It's been down hill since Labor Day. I'm up, I'm down, I'm healed, I'm depressed. I don't know what my deal is.

The kicker is that I love the fall. It's a great season. The sun's still shining, but there's a chill in the air. It's the season for football, sweatshirts, season premieres, Some Devil - I only listen to it in the fall, Macintosh Yankee candles, chili and volleyball games.

Now the obvious answer to what was different this summer is that Mark wasn't around. Duh, but that doesn't explain why I'm suddenly feeling down. Am I coming down from some weird high? A lot of the fall things do remind me of Mark. We loved the fall together so I think that is part of it. But oddly, some of the things that I loved in the summer are irritating me in the fall... I'm going to keep working on it.

In other news, I don't really have any other news. There's a lot going on at work, but I don't know if it would be funny if you don't work here. If you do work here, it's hilarious, but you aren't reading this...unless you're me and I'm writing it so it's to the point where it's not funny anymore because I've played it over too many times.

I think I'm going to write my next blog about Sarah Palin...or "your face" or both.

Unfaithful

Have you seen Unfaithful? The movie with Diane Lane, Richard Gere, and that hot European guy. You know it? Well, It's a pretty hot movie about a woman who cheats on her husband. Then her husband gets mad and kills the hot European guy. Sorry if you haven't seen it. It came out like six years ago. Maybe I should have thrown a spoiler alert in here. Anyway, I loved that movie. It was entertaining, sexy, I liked it. OK? I don't think I need to defend myself to you people. So when I started buying DVDs that was one of the first ones I bought. I think it was one of my "six DVDs for 1 penny" that I got when I joined Columbia House. (Of course, I didn't live up to my commitment, but who did?)

So before Mark and I combined our DVD collections, this was one of the 30 DVDs that I owned. By the time we got around to dividing our DVDs, we had upwards of 250. Mark is the one who actually went through and divided up the DVDs. I didn't scrutinize the division too much because I was all distraught about the whole thing, and overall I thought he was pretty generous.

I just realized that he took "Unfaithful". I mean, that is just too ironic. I don't think there is anything I can say that can make this more entertaining. I am angry. I only owned a couple of things BM (Before Mark) haha, BM, that's funny. So I'm mad that he thought he could take my movie. Seriously, I'm pissed. I'm on Amazon right now ordering the thing. Just so I have a copy. Nice try, Brown! Seriously, the nerve of that guy.

Stay Gone

I've found peace of mind, I'm feeling good again. I'm on the other side, back among the living. Ain't a cloud in the sky. All my tears have been cried and I can finally say, 'baby baby stay, stay right where you are. I like it this way. It's good for my heart. I haven't felt like this in God knows how long. I know everything's gonna be okay, if you just stay gone'.


Warning: This one might be a little bit sad. So my mom probably shouldn't read it. She can't handle the sad ones. She probably shouldn't read any of them because I think she thinks I sound too self-involved. She clearly doesn't spend enough time with me because that shouldn't be surprising.

I still feel like I'm over the hump. The worst is over and it will, hopefully, only get better from here. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean that it isn't still hard because it is. I still miss Mark. I still love Mark. I know that we can never be together, nor should we be. And I know that I will be better off for it, but it's still hard. It's even harder when he tries to stay in touch. I'm sorry, but that ain't gonna happen. He thinks he can have his cake and eat it to...well he's wrong. Sorry, buddy, but you aren't my buddy.

I just want to get to a point where I am OK alone. You know I'm not used to so much time entertaining myself and comforting myself. I know I need to figure out how to do that again. It just sucks being sad all the time. It actually sucks being sad even some of the time. I appreciate the people that have come to my aid so much. I really do, and I don't know where I would be without you. It just isn't the same as being someone's number one priority. Not that I ever was, but I thought I was, and that's what I want. I know I just have to be patient, but I've never been patient. How annoying am I? I just keep saying the same thing over and over. It's like OK, get over it already, lady. No wonder my mom can't stand to read this. Anyway, I'm tired of being jerked around. It's too hard. Just stay gone.


I still love you and I will forever. We can't hide the truth. We know each other better. When we try to make it work, we both end up hurt. It ain't supposed to be that way.

60 Days

In 60 days, I will be divorced. Finally, officially, legally and forever. Of course I do have some mixed emotions about this, but I am mostly relieved and ready to move on. What I am struggling with is what to do next. I think I am going to use these 60 days to focus on me, and only me. I know that sounds super cliche, but I think it's a nice finite guideline that will be good for me.

Here's the problem, I don't know what I am going to do for 60 days. Now I came to this 60 days thing for a couple different reasons. One of them is that all I really want to do is make out with boys, but this, too, comes with its own set of complications. First of all, shockingly, there are no available boys out there wanting to make out with me. Secondly, I don't want to jump into some new "relationship" just because I'm sad and lonely. This is how I came up with the 60 days. Now back to the problem....what am I going to do? I am lonely and in need of male companionship. I have not been alone like this in forever. I have impressed myself (and I'm sure everyone else) by how well I am doing so far, but I am getting impatient. Seriously.

There doesn't seem to be anyone within reach right now that I can latch onto (which could, theoretically, be a good thing, although I am not agreeing with that) and I don't know how to find somebody. I sit around and listen to country music and think about this perfect cowboy who's going to come sweep me off my feet, but since I'm not 6 I know that's not going to happen. I just want someone to want me. Come find me. I don't want to do the work. Plus no way could it work with anyone right now, it would be doomed to fail and I think everyone would judge me for dating or not dating or who I'm dating, etc. So that's why it's easier to wait. Easier in a really hard, sucky way.

I know that I should wait. In my head, I definitely know that. The last 60 days, I have been involved in a constant battle between my head and my heart. In my head, I know what I should do, I know that I'm going to be OK, and I know I should wait until I'm ready, but the illogical part of me just wants live in the moment and make myself happy right now. I don't want to wait, but I know that I need to. So I'm stuck somewhere in the middle. For 60 days.

Opinions are welcome.

Hearts

So earlier I was thinking that I should write something because I am feeling a little bit more chipper than I have been so I don't want people to think that I'm still super depressed. I can't say that I'm in great shape all the time, but overall I am doing much better. I signed my divorce papers the other day. Mark is supposed to file tomorrow. He better. Enough of that.

Moving on....That's what I'm trying to do. With this blog and life in general. I've been playing a lot of Hearts on the computer. That's where the title came from...sorta. Which then led me to Bon Jovi. Wait for it... Apparently, according to some article Mark read a long time ago, Bon Jovi's song writing process began with the song title. Then I guess they would come up with the song from there. Mark always thought that was so stupid and ruined the awesomeness that was and still is Bon Jovi. Told you. So Hearts has multiple connotations in my life because I have been playing the game on the computer A LOT, and I've never done that. I haven't even ever really played Hearts before. I just learned to play, and now I am pretty awesome. Which is kind of like my life right now. I am having to relearn how to live it a little bit because I've been so used to living with Mark. I'm feeling really good though. I think I am going to be even awesomer at life than I am at Hearts. Give me some time and I'll prove it.

I was also thinking of hearts like my heart breaking and maybe, hopefully starting to come back together. I feel like it totally is. I am for the first time in a long time, starting to feel like me again. **So I started writing this blog and then was rudely interrupted by this guy that we evicted (evicted for playing dice in the common hallways) who was getting the last of his belongings out of his apartment. I had to go let him in. This is where I left my blog. I came back and wrote some good material. I hit publish post and guess what, it said that Blogger was temporarily unavailable. That's just fantastic.** So basically, in a nutshell - now let's be honest, we all know I don't fully understand the meaning of that expression - I am starting to do better now than I have in a long time. I am starting to look forward to things. I am starting to feel happy, and feel like things are going to be OK. Last week, someone told me that the day would come when each day was better than the last. I think I may have reached that point, as opposed to the sporadic ups and downs that I've been going through over the last couple of months. Unless of course, I just happen to be having one of those good days and I just don't know it and it's all going to come crashing down tomorrow. Let's hope not! I've been waiting for this. I feel like I have good friends who love me for me, and not because they like Mark and have to pretend to be my friend. Those people were lame anyway because anyone who's anyone knows that I am way cooler than Mark. Duh! I am looking forward to the future, and for the first time in a while, Mark is definitely not in it, and I am glad. I think I have an opportunity to be happier than I thought I would be. I'm pretty psyched about it. I can't wait to get out there and have fun, kiss boys and live life. It's like a rebirth, or staying with the theme, a heart transplant. :-) I know...I took it too far. Bottom line is that I'm doing better.

I should mention that Ashlee thought the title of this post was ironic because I hate hearts. The shape mostly, not the organ so much. I hate hearts on jewelry, heart shaped boxes, decorations, clothing, etc. I just really don't like anything shaped like a heart. Except...I just thought of an exception, I like heart shaped boxes of chocolate.

So I know that this post was pretty random and a little silly, and it may have been stupid, but at least it wasn't depressing. I don't think it was at least. Let's look at the bright side!

Vacation, all I ever wanted....

Vacation..Had to get away.

I'm feeling refreshed after my week at the lake. I'm feeling a little more upbeat. I needed a break. A break from my life. Now that I'm tan and beautiful, I have a more positive outlook on life.

I think I'm ready to get back in the swing of things.

The mystical powers of my engagement ring...??

About two and a half months ago, the diamond popped out of my engagement ring. I mailed it to the jeweler who had to ship it to be fixed. A week or two after that Mark decided he didn't want to be married. Today, the ring came back. As crazy as it sounds....as crazy as I am, I think that I have thought that maybe when I had that ring back, back in my possession, Mark might change his mind. Like the ring had some sort of magical power, and when it was 3,000 miles away those powers were weakened. Now that it is back, maybe those powers will start working again.

This is what I was thinking this afternoon right before I pulled my head out of the clouds. The problem is I like it in those clouds. I hate it down here. I am still in complete denial 85% of the time. Today, Mark said that he couldn't afford to file the divorce papers right now so this goes on. Is that the only reason he hasn't filed them? Probably, but I can still come up with a thousand other reasons why he's stalling, none of which are true.

My Tangerine Wall

So the color is technically "Mango Madness", but I'm still calling it tangerine. I just really think I need a tangerine wall so I'm painting one. It hasn't happened yet. I just bought the paint today. I don't want to get overwhelmed so I'm taking this one step at a time. Today I buy the paint (this is by far the most fun step) maybe tomorrow I'll tape off the trim, and if we're lucky by the end of the week I'll have a tangerine wall. Maybe I'll post a picture. I know you're dying to see it. I need something bright and cheery and I don't think it gets cheerier than tangerine. I'm excited.

So I just thought I needed to materialize some of my thoughts so I could get a handle on what exactly I'm feeling. I have been pretty sad about the disillusionment of my marriage. I really don't know that dissillusionment is a word, but spell check said it was so I'm going with it. If, in fact, it is a word, it's completely worthless. It has to mean the same thing as disillusion, it just sounds fancier. Whatev. Moving on. So I'm sad, really sad, not seeing light at the end of the tunnel sad. I know the light is there, I just feel like the tunnel is so long that I can't see the end. I am dreading all the time I have to spend in this tunnel before I get to the end, which is maybe why I'm trying to turn around and get out the way I came in. Unfortunately, I don't think that is a possibility. I don't want a divorce...still don't want a divorce...but I also don't want to be married to someone who doesn't love me the way I deserve to be loved. That's where I'm still stuck. I just don't see what my life is going to be like as a single person right now. During my first couple weeks as a potentially single person, I had a lot of friends rushing to my aid. I suspected that would fizzle, and I was right. I am so fortunate to have my family, my sister specifically, but I still don't see what kind of a social life I am going to have. All of my friends are married or in relationships. Pretty much at least, and I have been pretty much over the bar scene since I turned 22. I know I'm lame. So I just don't know. This hasn't really helped me clarify anything. Maybe it will come to me...in a dream maybe. I'm hopeful. I'm ready to get out of this tunnel.

Optimism killed the Karli

The cat's nemisis was curiosity. Mine is optimism. At least it's caused me a lot of pain recently. I have always been a very optimistic person. This is something I have usually considered a good thing. Duh, I'm an optimist. Well, when it comes to my marriage right now, my optimism has been causing me nothing but heartache.

So a week and a half ago I was OK. I had come to terms with us being over and I just wanted to get on with it. So Mark came over so we could finalize things - make sure we were on the same page, and move on. Well, that went as well as it could have. There was no yelling, no arguing, no fighting. It was just really sad, but I figure it's going to be sad even if it's the right thing. We've been together forever. That conversation ended with us both agreeing that Mark was going to look into filing for divorce and that was our next step.

So fast forward to the next day and I was having some second thoughts and feeling like I was holding too strong and didn't give us a chance to change our minds. So I sent out a last ditch e-mail just to see if Mark was having any of those same feelings. So from that point on, my mind started racing...what if. What if we could work it out? What if we could go to counseling and get to the root of our issues? What if we could be better than ever?

A few days later when I finally got a response to my e-mail, Mark said he was having a few doubts which, of course, only fueled my optimism. So for the rest of the week, until yesterday, I had been going over all the possibilities in my head of how things might turn out and be just fine. And as the days passed, my optimism only grew. It grew so big that all I could think about was white picket fences and happily ever afters. That is until yesterday when it all came crashing down.

I had imagined a seamless reconciliation, and what I got was nothing. I got nothing. He ignores my phone calls and doesn't respond to my texts. When he finally did respond to my text message, he said he didn't want to talk and he wouldn't be coming over. So I went spinning into a depression at the loss of my fantasy and my jolt back to reality. When I couldn't shake that, I drove to my parents' house and I'm now a little more stable, but still sad.

I'm hoping I can use my optimism for good in the future. To help me get on with my life. Unfortunately I'm becoming something of a cynic, and I've found that sooner or later it all comes crashing down.

Divorce: FAQs

I'd like to start by saying that overall, I am feeling more upbeat this week than I did last week. I hope it lasts. Mark and I are meeting tonight to discuss things. I'm so not excited about it. Maybe he'll bring the Wii with him. There's always a silver lining. At least I'm holding on to my optimism. I don't know what the next step is for us. We are in uncharted waters here. I've never navigated a divorce before. At least not my own. I have a few questions.

1) How long does it take to get a divorce?
I'm in kind of a hurry, and would hate to drag this thing out more than I have to.

2) How much does it cost?
Not only am I in a hurry, but I don't want to spend any money. With so many people getting divorces these days, you would think it would drive the cost down. That's just simple economics.

3) Does it hurt?
I know this one is kind of a no brainer, but I just don't know how much more hurt I can take.

4) What's next?
What does a person do after they are divorced? Of all the scenarios I've thought uot for my life, I am feeling very unprepared for this one. Is there anybody out there who doesn't check 'Never been married' under preferences on their match.com profile?

Why is my life so depressing?

So let's talk about how much I hate how much my life sucks right now. I'm ready to skip to the part when my life rocks. I'm not really in the mood to be funny right now. I'm ready to be funny, though... I think it's funny, dorky funny, that Ashlee loves when anyone plays volleyball on TV because it's always so bad. I think it's sweet funny that my dad wants to make sure I change my name back as soon as I can. And, I think it's sucky funny that I can't think of anything else that's funny.

I don't know how to do this. I don't feel like myself. I am way more fun than this. Thank goodness nobody reads this yet. When you all do start reading this, fortunately it'll be short enough you can skim right over it. So while it seems boring and depressing now, in the future it we'll be able to see it as a small piece of a larger puzzle that is my road to happiness. Without the valleys we wouldn't be able to appreciate the peaks... I'll try to be funnier next time.

The hardest part...

The hardest part is that for the longest time I knew there was somebody who loved me. Who loved me the most of all people. I knew that no matter what was going on in my life, even between Mark and I, I knew he would always love me. I knew that. I took that for granted.

The hardest part is that he didn't, he wouldn't and he won't. So all of that...the security, the comfort in knowing that no matter what else was happening in the world, someone loved me more than anyone else. I don't feel that way anymore. I know there are a lot of people who love me, but nobody loves me the most. That's the hardest part.

Did he really have to take the Wii?

Two hours after returning home (and I am using the word home kind of loosely here) and realizing that Mark took the Wii, I am reflecting on how big of a deal this actually was. I think I may have overreacted. I reacted, and for me that usually can be classified as an overreaction. But I just didn't expect him to take the Wii. I didn't expect him to come today, and maybe I didn't expect him to come ever. I don't know. He's been gone now for almost two weeks. That doesn't really sound like a long time, and in some ways it hasn't seemed long, but in others its seemed like much longer. You know the whole thing has come as a bit of a shock. Some days it's still shocking....some days it's not. I think I'm still mostly in denial though. This is not something you plan, and I was always a planner. A planner in a broad, this is how my life will go kind of way as opposed to a day planner kind of way. I've never been big on day planners, although I enjoy picking them out at Borders, I'm not so good at using them. Anyway, I thought I'd go to college, fall in love, get married, buy a house, settle down and have babies. I thought that all of this would happen by the time I was 26. Take a stab at how old I am now?? That's right, 26. So, obviously not the way I thought I'd be spending my 26th year. No babies, no house, no husband, and no Wii.

Yeah, let's get back to the Wii. I just really wanted the Wii. I assume that eventually Mark will take the TV, both Xboxes, the surround sound, the PS2, and every other electronic we own. I just wanted the Wii. The Wii is so me. I am so Wii. I guess I can buy my own Wii, but I want that one! It's a matter of principle, really. We all knew he would take his XBox. Nobody can stand between that boy and his 360, but the Wii? Seriously? He knew I would want the Wii. He came when I wasn't here and he kidnapped the Wii. I'm surprised there's not a ransom note somewhere. A line was crossed tonight. A line I was hoping we wouldn't have to cross.

So yeah, I'm a little sad tonight. I think the custody of the Wii makes the whole separation real. I have good days and bad days. Today would probably be a bad day. Well, it's probably not a pass/fail system. Today's probably a C-. And, I think it was a solid C before the Wii incident. I'm fighting for that Wii. Stay tuned...